There’s a Reddit community I used to visit now and then that was for ugly people. It was so toxic and hateful. These people literally believe that they can never be happy or have a relationship because they think they’re ugly - it’s their entire identity. I worry that many outcasts fall into this trap during their formative years and it warps their view of the world like the gentleman in the video.
I think that once they get out into the real world, most folks find that looks don’t matter as much as lifestyle, personality, and compatible morals.
I didn’t think I was ugly because I thought I was ugly. I thought I was ugly because no one wanted anything to do with me for reasons I couldn’t comprehend.
I also noticed how “pretty” people didn’t have anywhere near as hard of a time socializing as I did. They were allowed to have bad personalities. Even if I was as kind and helpful as I could possibly be I’d never be treated the same way as a “pretty” person would.
It’s one of the ugly truths of human existence, that most people won’t admit.
“Looks” absolutely play a large role in inter-human relationships. But since it carries a lot of unpleasant things most people don’t want to admit, they either ignore it, or outright lie about it to make themselves feel better.
The research has been done “pretty” people earn more, get more promotions, and are generally more successful at life.
Not to say your life is over if you’re not pretty. But there is a clear advantage.
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I think it’s more that western societies like to try to act like their instincts aren’t real. They’ll look you dead in the face and say “beauty means nothing to me!” Meanwhile their secretary is massively under qualified for the job but she got big tiddies.
Or when a super hot woman is a total cunt but everyone let’s her get away with it because “ooh hot girl”
It’s the same way with men I just used women as an example because I’m a dude who’s seen a lot of girls with shit personalities get treated like they can do no wrong.
The thing to focus on is that there are many different kinds of people in the world. I grew up with a disability, and it didn’t take me long to figure out that there are people you’ll meet who just hate you for not being what they consider to be “normal.” There’s nothing you can do - they’re just going to hate you. But, I eventually found that there are also people who would never dream of doing such a thing, and will treat you neutrally until they get to know you, and will treat you well after that if you treat them well.
Yes, the assholes of the world will always be there, and they’ll make you feel like shit, but the more you can dismiss them as simply being judgemental assholes who know nothing about you, the more you’ll be able to see all the people who will treat you fairly. Sure, if you’ve got a terrible personality, then even those people will want to have nothing to do with you, but if you control the things you can control, there are a lot of people in the world who will see that and think well of you for it.
I had similar experiences in my youth and it definitely warped my perception of self-worth. It took a long time to overcome.
When I was young, I wanted to think of women in a way that I could look beyond typical attractiveness. I made a point to find something about everyone. It soon became apparent that everyone is beautiful in a way. Sometimes it’s not a facial feature but there’s always something. And I started to find a lot of women sexy even if I wasn’t really sexually attracted to them. As life has gone on, it’s been interesting to me how someone that might not be very pretty becomes hot as all be because of their talent or skills.
I always thought I was ugly but women always found me attractive. It was a hard thing to accept.
Incels.
Meanwhile:
How dare you include the great Michael Sheen in this
Yeah. Eliot Rodgers was a prime example.
Honestly I looked weird mid puberty and it took me a long time to learn I’m fairly attractive. I’m not like supermodel hot or anything but it’s fair to say I’m pretty in buffalo. You can always find flaws in the mirror, the people on tv do every day. I choose not to. My wife doesn’t mind them, my girlfriend doesn’t mind them either, and neither do the women I do casual stuff with. I get a lot more benefit from doing other things with my mental energy.
Moral of the story: If you are ugly and there’s a youtube comments chance to get laid, you take it(even if they have a furry profile photo.)
Especially if they have a furry profile picture.
There are 2 types of people…
even if they have a furry profile photo
I rather stay single.
I used to work with two guys I called “Tall Todd” and “Tall Paul”. Both were really smart and part of our IT department. Both in shape-ish, skinny, very tall.
Paul was conventionally hot - his side job was modeling, he made money at it and I did once unexpectedly see him on a national advertisement. Hot, you understand? He was nice, friendly, I wasn’t attracted to him but could see he was physically really good looking, and was outgoing and pleasant, creative guy, good Halloween costumes.
Tall Todd wasn’t good looking like that, and had the additional baggage of being named Todd, but had this way of existing in the world that was just so comfortable and made you feel comfortable. I think when people say confidence this is what they mean - not cockiness but this self acceptance. He was just so attractive without being physically attractive - he wasn’t ugly exactly but unremarkable in looks. But goodness he was attractive in real life. Magnetic.
I do not know how people get that sort of confidence but it’s not by being really good looking.
Being tall is like 75% of being physically attractive according to most surveys.
If you’re over 6’ the “how tall are you” is either the first or second question on every date along with “what do you do for work”
It’s kinda sad how predictable we can be as animals
It’s interesting how bad I’m getting downvoted…
It is acceptable to say rich people, white people, men have a natural advantage.
But saying pretty people also have an advantage is horrible…
Lol
Being rich is not natural. And it’s a red flag because you don’t get rich without being an asshole.
I had a friend in college like Todd. Weird looking dude, but every time you talked to him you just felt good. He was fun to talk to and interesting but a good listener too. You were just happy to have spent time talking to him. Now I’m not into guys so I can’t say subjectively if that made him attractive, but based on what I’d heard he had all the men and women he wanted throwing themselves at him, and I believe it.
And for the people saying your friend was leaning on height, this guy was about the height of the average woman and hung out with a lady over 6’
They were tall, and I’m not disputing the whole “attractive people are more attractive” idea. I don’t think that comfortable - confidence vibe comes from looks, you can be good looking and very insecure about your looks, uncomfortable because everyone is looking at you, and I’m sure Tall Paul was comfortable enough with his looks to make money off them but didn’t have it.
People absolutely get that kind of confidence by being really good looking…
What you found was an outlier, a unicorn. It happens but that in no way changes reality.
You can also get that kind of confidence by not worrying about where you fall on the attractiveness scale. I like to think I’m that way. If I wanted to I could definitely pick out things that might make me ugly, but I don’t worry about it. I care more about the interactions I have with people than I do about how I physically look. The only things about my appearance that give me a degree of confidence are just things that amuse me, like that I always wear the same color scheme or that my normal and facial hair differ in color and texture.
I can think of at least two of my friends who also share the quality of being comfortable and self accepting despite not being physically attractive, and I really enjoy being friends with them.
TWO WHOLE FRIENDS! Stop the presses!
The research has been done on this. The undeniable fact is “pretty” people have a clear advantage in life.
I know that may make you feel uncomfortable, but it’s the truth. The same as being poor is a disadvantage so is being ugly.
Just like someone who grows up poor can overcome it, so can ugly people. But that doesn’t mean the disadvantage isn’t there…
This wasn’t the point as i read, the question was about confidence. And this has little to do with how “pretty” you are. Your confidence is only in your mind. Sure if others think of you as ugly, it’s harder to gain confidence. But I think especially a lot of girls have confidence issues with their appearance despite looking “good”.
I have this strange suspicion that you find yourself to be ugly.
You called one person being that way an outlier, so I added three more from my own experience (two friends and myself.)
And yeah, maybe that is still an outlier. I’m willing to accept that, because I have something that might explain why it’s more common with the people I know. The three of us are part of a Christian fellowship, and Phillipians 3:3 says we have confidence in Christ and not the flesh - interestingly enough, I literally just got back from a Bible study with that group where we hit that verse.
You also might know three people that are more confident in themselves because confident people tend to be outgoing and know lots of other people, compared to people who aren’t very confident.
Well then most people would know such a person.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship_paradox
Yup, they would, but that wouldn’t really dismiss the other guy’s point.
- Finds unicorn in reality.
- “No, no—but this doesn’t change reality.”
You do understand what an outlier is? Did you not take basic math in high school?
I mean damn, I know this is the Internet, but I thought Lemmy users could understand basic statistics…
You also feel that because one person won the lottery every can/should?
Being ugly is a disadvantage, like other disadvantages (poor, stupid,etc) it can be overcome. But that doesn’t change the fact that it is one.
Did you not take basic math in high school?
Have you? Where is your data that indicates this is an outlier?
lemme google that (or duck duck go) for you…
https://www.vice.com/en/article/epz8pk/psychology-pretty-privilege-attractive-people
https://www.science.org/content/article/scienceshot-brain-rewards-us-looking-pretty-faces
I mean common sense would help you with your denial. But there are dozens of other links if you go look.
Let’s see.
Article 1: “pretty privilege exists.”
Article 2: “pretty privilege exists.”
Article 3: “pretty face privilege exists.”
None of these indicate that being seen and rewarded for being a relaxed, confident, comfortable guy is an outlier thing that rarely happens.
Also, I asked for data, not articles.
Wasting your time arguing with that one, he’s likely already back in front of his mirror to stare at his hideous visage and silently judge himself.
Unfortunately :/
Visual pushback against bad ideas can be good for a community, though. I dunno. Mostly, I just wish people would stop being so doomer.
You get that kind of confidence by not giving a shit about what other people think in terms of your physical attractiveness. I don’t think I’m especially good looking. I also couldn’t give less of a shit. Which is why I have the confidence to have the facial hair of a 19th century president. Because a mutton chops beard is fucking awesome. I’m married, but I wouldn’t even care if I was single. I’m keeping my mutton chops.
I wish this kind of attitude is acceptable in my country. Over here, even something like this is enough to make you weirdo and quickly alienate you.
I am a weirdo and maybe it does make people stay away from me. I just don’t care.
Absolutely, I said it gives a natural advantage, it is more like getting a good starting hand in cards. It doesn’t mean you automatically win. Or loose if you get a 4,5…
Too many in this thread are for a variety of reasons taking my statement to mean “OMG if you’re not pretty you’re doomed”
Now try being an ugly woman
You just wanna do it on easy mode or what?
Have you tried dating sites? I can’t even get “ugly” women to respond to me so they must have “better options” reaching out to them or I really am just that undesirable lol
As long you are only ugly on the outside, it’s just a matter of getting used to it.
Being an ugly woman is not nearly the struggle that being an ugly man is. Women who aren’t attractive need to approach at all and they’ll have more success than ugly men who approach twice as often.
At least they get makeup.
Oh, shit, that’s right, make up is chemically corrosive to men’s skin, we can’t use it.
I get what you’re saying, but they also have a point. Yes, men can wear makeup, but there are many reasons a lot of guys actively refuse that option. Are any of them “real”, no, but considering the social nature of our species, even the ones that aren’t “real” still matter to us
It’s as “real” as your name is “real” and is really your name. It may not be a large object visible to the naked eye but it’s still a solid thing stored in neurons of many physical brains.
Can you imagine the response from a woman after your first shower if you were good at applying makeup and used it all the time? “You… you lied to me! Wait, are you gay? I’m so confused right now.”
That’s the most “well actually” comment I’ve read today.
I mean the guy isn’t ugly, he just has the dumbest haircut I’ve ever seen
Yeah he just wasn’t trying. A little facial hair, better haircut, a good shower, nothing wrong there
Don’t forget clothes. That t shirt is a sack.
Women out there are still complaining they can find a bf when all they have to do is say something vaguely nice to a guy and he’ll marry you.
eh… women are mostly complaining because they struggle to find men they’d want to date, not because they think men won’t date them.
Well, I hate to break it to ya, but not every woman is going to get to marry a 6-6-6 just like not every man is going to marry a 10.
Additionally, most women would probably be better off marrying a man who WANTS to date them rather than trying to get one who doesn’t.
Maybe the kind of man they want to date is a man that isn’t an asshole. Especially not one who sees a woman who is not conventionally attractive and thinks, “yeah, I could fuck that.”
You know, there’s a simple solution to that, which women in the past had no trouble understanding: just put sex off the table until there’s a ring on your finger. That’s it. That’ll immediately eliminate any guy who’s only looking to up his notch count, as long as you actually stick to it and don’t just use it as a fake excuse to eliminate the weaklings.
Just thinking out loud, of course. I would not dream of telling what to do with their bodies.
Not finding out if you’re sexually compatible is a terrible idea. There’s a happy medium between “fuck immediately” and “don’t fuck for years.”
Men don’t go for that because she didn’t make previous guys wait until marriage.
Making rules for those you “settle” for that did not previously apply is egregious hypocrisy.
I’m not sure whom that second sentence is directed at, because it could equally apply to men AND women, but it really kinda illustrates the problem with sleeping around before marriage, doesn’t it.
It’s obviously far easier for the average woman to get laid than it is for the average man, and any average man who’s tried his luck with casual flings and/or dating apps will know that by the time a woman as average as him proposes making him wait for sex. So it’s only natural that he’ll be skeptical and perhaps even upset, because there’s going to be a certain amount of rage and a desire to get even, hence they’ll be pressing for sex even harder.
So as the number of previous sexual partners increases, women tend to favor monogamy, because they’re tired of being pumped and dumped, whereas men tend to favor wanting to do more pumping and dumping because they’re tired of being passed over in her “fun phase” and only be considered “good enough” when it comes to wanting a relationship.
A strange game, isn’t it. The only winning move is not to play…
Nice guy comment
Yes, how dare I suggest women date someone who will appreciate them instead of someone who won’t.
Patriarchy! Toxic masculinity! Guilty as charged, Mr. Officer, off to feminist jail I go.
dont get your fedora in a twist dude.
You’re missing the point by a mile. It’s not about physical attraction, finances, or even the types of men just looking for a one-night stand. There are many men who want to be in long-term relationships, but don’t put in the effort necessary to keep that relationship alive and healthy.
Men benefit from long-term relationshipsbmore than women; a woman’s workload actually increases because she’s usually the one tasked with managing the home and all of the emotional and physical labor that comes with that… even when she already has a full-time job.
In order for a woman to want to be with a man, he needs to positively affect her life overall. So many men simply do not do that. That is the barrier to entry, and it is far from an unreasonable one. It’s generally easier and more desirable to be single than it is to be in a relationship with a man.
Whoa, whoa, slow down there… you’re saying men should be in charge of something? But that’s patriarchy!
Unless you only want to blame them for things not working out of course, because that’s what you’re doing if you give someone responsibility without giving them some sort of authority as well.
But let’s face it, in a relationship there is never, EVER such a thing as “it’s HIS fault” or “it’s HER fault”. The onus is always on both people — because unless you were forcefully married by your parents, both people chose each other out of their own volition.
So if you choose someone who keeps fucking up, guess what, that’s on you. And you can either put in the effort to try and figure out how to invoke a desire to change in them or chose someone better next time, but it’s gonna end up being work either way, because you won’t find a better partner unless you figure out why you chose the wrong one to begin with, you’ll just find more of the same.
most “ugly” people put themselves into a box. take care of yourself, wash your face, brush your teeth, eat somewhat decently, put minimal effort into your appearance, and have a speck of self confidence and you can change your world.
I know it can be daunting especially if you have legitimate mental health issues that affect how you view yourself but trust me theres very few “ugly” looking people in this world and most of them still make it work by having a good decent personality.
Most people are ugly because they have a ugly personality.
Most people are ugly because they have a ugly personality.
Are you japanese or something? I swear I heard this from an entertainer from there when she asked her boss why was everyone so pretty at the company.
no ive just been lucky to meet truly beautiful and gorgeous people who are not conventionally considered “attractive.”
Ah blame the ugly people! That’ll show em!
thanks for proving my point champ
“Ugly people have ugly personalities, if you disagree with me I’ll count that as an ugly personality”
What a ridiculous self-fulfilling prophecy. If someone disagreeing with you is enough for you to dislike them, I very much prefer to be “ugly” to you and for you to remain the fuck away.
I kind of mesh with this thought.
I make a solid effort to take care of myself, present myself as best I can, and find joy in the things that I do. I’ve also been mostly alone for a long time, not by choice, and I feel it’s likely that has to do with my appearance. I’m okay with that. I still view my own image positively, though I don’t think others do. I accept that’s not due to anyone’s malice - since when I look at others, I’m susceptible to standards of beauty as well.
Still, whenever that comes up in online discussions like this one, people seem magnetized to the belief I have this “ugly personality” to be alone. Some people do - that much is true. But it’s also long been the case that not everyone has an equal and fair shot in life. I’m also glad I wasn’t born to an impoverished African country with no running water.
Humans are, sadly, wired to associate beauty with morality and talent, and reversely, to associate ugliness with immorality, and even though we have increasing proof of this bias, plenty of people would sooner judge complete strangers from the comfort of their PC chairs than engage in a little self-reflection. I consider myself slightly handsome, but I’ll still get shit until the end of my days because my mannerisms as an autistic person are considered alien. If it’s any consolation, finding friendship and love with these handicaps is not impossible, just harder.
That you’re lying to make yourself feel better? Umm ok
Have fun wallowing in self pity.
Actually, I’m above average in looks, but I don’t need to lie about it being an advantage. I also have empathy for other humans, so I treat them with respect by not blaming them for their disadvantage…
i don’t remember blaming or lacking empathy for people who are perceived as ugly.
In fact its funny that you say that people with looks that aren’t conventionally “attractive” are “disadvantaged.” which by the way is a fucking awful way to look at people.
It proves my point that you arent ugly because of how you look but how you act and to me thats what makes you ugly.
and you are quite an ugly cunt
LOL
I must be uglier than that guy because no one has ever said anything nice about me when I share pics. :(
Have you tried making a video reaching 20m views?
Not quite… 16k on a Skyrim video I made when I was in my 20’s where I just spend 15 minutes calling a dude on the TES forums dumb. The comments keep equating me to Jonah Hill, specifically his character from Superbad.
That’s good right?
depends on how good you are at drawing penises
Post pic, I won’t marry you but I will say something nice.
You have nice red hair.
The candy cane shaped spine compliments it very well.
I am frothing at the gash here
There’s medicine for that. Vitamin D!
Oh yeah! (High fives random dudebro)
I’m so cool, I know I know. :P
Being ugly is really fucking hard, until you go full Tyrion and wear it like armor.
Not every dude has this luck
Sorta disagree. Honesty and respect really mean a lot to people most just can’t figure out how to express it
Yeah… There’s a hell of a lot more than that needed. Honesty and respect are my middle names, yeah my parents are weird, and that gets me pretty much nowhere as far as success with women go.
I always see it as “being nice, honest, friendly” are like pickles on a sandwich. You want the sandwich, if you like pickles then having them is a bonus, but you wanted the (insert main portion of sandwich here). Not having the pickles is fine too as it’s not the main thing you were after.
i think this metaphor is close, but not quite. being honest, nice, friendly is like the bread of the sandwich, not the pickles. you can’t have a sandwich without the bread- but very occasionally, sometimes, you wanna just reach in and just grab some meat and cheese
Have Casey Neistat’s ugly ass can be happy so can this guy.
He looks like someone I’d make on one of those character creators that let you morph the face when I’m high af.
This guy different from that guy who married a comment girl that only wanted benefits from his citizenship and divorced him like two months in?
Best game of chicken player of the world
Damn bro even the “ugly” guys have more luck than me :(
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I mean she found him cute so he wasn’t actually ugly.
I on the other hand get “oh, you looked better from far away.” You want ugly I can show you ugly! Lmao
I want them ugly people I’m not really ugly they just need a haircut and a higher quality webcam.
Some women are based. They’re just like “I’m gonna find a partner and just go hard. Let’s look on social media. Bam. Found one.” You have to appreciate, nay - be in respect and awe of the pure gall, the nerve, the gumption of this lady, the globes on this bitch. She made a life like it was nothing. I am intimidated, elated and my breath has been taken away.
God speed, dear lady. God speed…
Uhhhhh what the fuck?
It’s what you say when someone married a person they saw on you tube
What, is my writing too hard for you? =( Don’t read the post modernists, you’d go feral. In any case, both of you are idiots.
Can’t have different forms of positivity on this fucking platform beyond political sycophansy and in-group circle jerks, because imbeciles will take it the wrong way regardless.
“uH sOuNdS LiKe sOmE bUlLsHiT tO mE”.
No, you sanctimonious pricks. That was an affirmation for the people who find someone, anyone, who they can be a partner with - regardless of social hierarchy or convention - with determination and gumption… that’s laudable - in case you didn’t know, which was clearly communicated.
And you guys, being the rays of sunshine that you are - probably the most anticipated guests at any given party - took that in the worst way possible.
This is because your head’s are filled with brainrot, and probably also because you print out comments in form of metal sheet paper and shove it up your ass as a form of literary analysis.
Maybe not do that?
Therapy is pretty affordable nowadays btw
It’s because of sticks in the mud like you that therapy exists in the first place.
