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The original was posted on /r/cfs by /u/Feline_wonderland on 2024-10-17 22:46:22+00:00.

I miss me!!! To start, I’m 52f and I’ve had this stupid sickness over 15 years. It’s progressively worsened, probably because i didn’t know what it was (doctors- you just need to exercise and lose weight!) Not knowing what it was, i knew nothing about pacing, PEM or aggressive rest. Being someone who always had to be the best, i would get so mad at myself for my “laziness”. So i pushed. And pushed and pushed and pushed. And in the process, i lost myself.

I used be fun, witty, creative. People wanted to be around me. Going out with friends was always just laughter and joking around. I could make ordinary daily stuff fun and funny.

I am now as boring as a pile of dirt. Can’t be funny to save my life. I just sit, like a lump, while life passes me by. I’m married to the most incredible woman, and i wish she would leave me. Because the guilt i feel for creating this life for her is becoming overwhelming. Also, when she’s home i try to act like a human, when really i just need to be in bed. Although she says she understands, i know she’s disappointed when i have to stay in bed when she gets home from work.

I’m severe. I can’t prepare food for myself, i try very hard to get in the shower once a week, i have nothing to say. So trying to be human also takes a lot out of me. It’s really really hard to put on that face. Sometimes i think it would just be better for everyone if we weren’t together. Yes, it would make my life harder, i would have to take care of myself, but i wouldn’t have to feel any obligation to anyone, and therefore not feel any guilt.

I’m just drifting through life in a pain filled fog, feeling like a shitty person.

I still get imposter syndrome. It’s such a bullshit illness. Why can’t it have a test i can point to so i can say, look, i really am sick! This sucks big fat hairy man butt.

Going to quit now, i could whine and whine. If you read this far, thank you. I hope i didn’t bum you out too much.