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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Humble_Owl_716 on 2024-11-05 12:08:16+00:00.

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/ThrowRA-92020 in r/AmIWrong

• Trigger Warnings: Adoption, trauma, parental conflict, negative emotional neglect, family dynamics
• Mood Spoilers: Reflective, positive growth, hopeful

Am I Wrong for not allowing my adopted son to choose the movie on family movie night? - 11 August 2024

I (45M) have four sons: three biological (17M, 15M, 12M) and one adopted (13M). We adopted Jake, when he was 3 years old. He came from a really difficult background, and we’ve always tried to give him as much love and support as possible. But if I’m being honest, it hasn’t been easy.

Jake has always been more of a challenge compared to my other boys. He’s extremely sensitive and gets upset over the smallest things. Due to the trauma he experienced early on, Jake is mentally and emotionally more like an 8- or 9-year-old, even though he’s 13. This isn’t because of any special needs; it’s just the result of what he’s been through. When he was younger, he struggled a lot in school, to the point where he was eventually expelled from his primary school for behavioural issues. It was a really tough time for our family. We ended up enrolling him in a SEMH (Social, Emotional, and Mental Health) school, which costs around £70k per year. While the school has helped him somewhat, Jake still causes a lot of problems. The school often calls us because Jake’s had a meltdown or couldn’t handle something, and it’s clear he needs a lot more attention than our other kids.

At home, Jake’s neediness can be overwhelming. He’s constantly seeking reassurance and gets upset if things don’t go exactly his way. My wife has always been very patient with him, maybe too patient, in my opinion. She tends to cater to his needs a lot more than the other boys, and I can see it’s starting to wear on them. I can tell they’re starting to feel like Jake gets special treatment.

Earlier today, during our usual Saturday family movie night, this issue came to a head. We always vote on the movie to keep things fair. The older boys and I wanted to watch the first Avengers movie. When we voted, Jake was the only one who wanted to watch Spider-Verse instead. Jake loves Spider-Verse, and we’ve watched it several times before.

Seeing how upset Jake was getting, my wife suggested that we just watch Spider-Verse to avoid a meltdown. She felt it wasn’t worth the fight and wanted to keep the peace, especially considering how sensitive Jake is. But I felt like it wasn’t fair to the other boys who had won the vote fairly. I said no, we’re sticking to the movie that won the vote. Jake, predictably, got really upset, stormed off to his room, and refused to come back downstairs.

After the movie, my wife and I had a huge argument. She said I was being too “harsh” and that I don’t understand how difficult things are for Jake because of his past. She thinks I should have just let him have his way to avoid the conflict, but I’m tired of walking on eggshells and constantly giving in to Jake at the expense of the other boys. I don’t think it’s right to let Jake dictate everything just because he’s more sensitive.

AITA for not letting my adopted son choose the movie on family movie night, even though it upset him and led to a huge argument with my wife?

Relevant comments

Old_Beach2325

NTA it’s ok to give in, but if you always give in the Jake learns nothing. And your other three boys will feel neglected. Kale can not always have his way. And at mental age of 8 or 9 he needs to learn that and find coping skills to help manage his emotions. Your wife will do him no favors but always giving in since eventually he’ll be an adult and no one except her will treat him that way.

Horror_Ad7540

You can’t let Jake make all the decisions in the house. On the other hand, a ``vote’’ seems fair, but it really isn’t. If there’s a majority whose tastes are in synch, they win the vote every time. A better system would be to rotate who gets to pick the movie. That makes the decision predictable, and no one thinks they are being picked on for being different.

No_Introduction_8284

Suggestion: kill the vote, and rotate thru each kid to pick the movie. Parents must be agreement to veto the movie, i.e., if one agrees and the other disagrees, movie stays as is; if both parents agree that the movie is not appropriate for that night, kid gets to pick a different movie.

KaliTheBlaze

I know you’ve got him enrolled in the fancy private school, but are you guys working with a family therapist? Because if not, it sounds like you reeeeally need one. You’ve got to figure out a way to support Jake while helping him learn to tolerate frustration and not getting his way. If he doesn’t learn that, he’s going to have a terribly lonely, limited life.

It sounds like you aren’t working with a therapist yet, which means that between you and your wife, ESH. All of your kids need support and Jake needs structure and balance, not coddling.

OOP (-348 downvotes)

It really isn’t a fancy independent school, it’s honestly just like a normal school but they have a ratio of like 3 teachers per child or something crazy like that. I mean it is a bit more than a normal state school, but it isn’t like a hugely fancy place.

He has therapy throughout CAMHS and is on the waiting list for specialised therapy to support adoptive children but we can’t afford family therapy. That would be great but that’s not something we’d be able to do, we can barely afford rent.

lmmontes

INFO: Is Jake often outvoted? Do you ever take turns to ensure everyone gets to choose? Or each month someone puts in a movie choice into a hat then pick one out each week until all have been watched?

OOP

I wouldn’t say he’s often outvoted, like I said in the post he’s chosen for us to watch Spider Verse many times in the past and we have all watched it together.I would say it’s usually pretty equal with the movie nights and usually no one is completely upset as they all have pretty similar taste in films even if something wasn’t their first choice.

OOP

Oh, to be clear he does have therapy. He has it both through CAMHS and through his school. You said are we going to family therapy, which is what I was referring to. And also I thought I mentioned this, but just read through and I didn’t. We don’t pay for his school, because he’s a former LAC and has an EHCP the LA pays the school directly. There is no way in god’s green earth we’d be able to afford 70k per year.

Update: Am I Wrong for not allowing my adopted son to choose the movie on family movie night? - 29 October 2024

Hi all, this is an update to a post I made about four months ago. For full context, you might want to check out the original post.

After reading through your comments and taking some time to reflect, I came to realise I’ve been too harsh on Jake—not just regarding the movie night incident but in general. Jake has had a difficult journey since he joined our family, but that’s not his fault. When we chose to adopt him, we committed to supporting him through every challenge. He didn’t choose his trauma, and he certainly didn’t choose to end up in a family where he might feel “different” from his siblings. That responsibility lies with us.

We’ve made a few changes, starting with family movie night. Instead of voting, which often left Jake feeling excluded, we’ve switched to a rota where each person takes a turn picking the movie. This simple change has removed a lot of the tension and has made movie night feel more inclusive for everyone. I honestly can’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner—thank you to everyone who suggested it.

In hindsight, I realise my original post felt more like a venting session, and I regret the way I spoke about Jake. I needed to get those feelings out, but now I understand it wasn’t fair to talk about him in that way, even anonymously. Since then, I’ve started journaling to work through my emotions privately and with a clearer head. I’m really grateful for the wake-up call your comments provided.

One point raised repeatedly in the comments was the “glass child” concept—the idea that our other boys might feel overlooked because of Jake’s needs. That really hit home for me. To address this, we’ve started a new Sunday tradition. Each Sunday, I take one of our boys out for a full day, just the two of us, doing something he chooses. It’s been great for all of us and has given me precious 1-on-1 time with each of my sons. My relationship with them feels stronger, and it’s something I look forward to every week.

Jake and I also had a long heart-to-heart after my original post. He opened up about feeling like his opinions and wants don’t matter, and that he sometimes believes I love my other boys more. Hearing that broke my heart, and I took responsibility for my role in making him feel this way. His early trauma definitely impacts his sense of security, but I can’t ignore that my own behaviour contributed as well. I’m committed to showing him that he’s just as valued and loved as his brothers.

Finally, some people asked about therapy. Jake’s been on the waiting list for a more sp…

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