I was born a sadist. You may picture me as a young child getting off to my favorite cartoon characters being restricted and punished. Then you may picture me going to Catholic school, going on a religious retreat, taking interest in the Bible, and learning that accepting myself was unacceptable. Then you may picture my spirituality gradually collapsing as the contradictions became unreconcilable. I returned to accepting my sadism with full force: I learned about BDSM, I read problematic fiction despite being underage, I hid porn and erotica the the browser of my DSi, I was proud to be different, I was confident my differences were OK. I was, I learned, then I unlearned. Then end?
No. I started becoming afraid of myself and the media I enjoyed. I didn’t want to be nor become harmful. I started restricting my own thoughts in fear allowing them to be would lead to a slippery slope of degeneracy. I started to see every and any other as my superior, as being the right to my wrong. What exactly caused this regression in self-acceptance, I’m not sure. It may have been due to my increased responsibility and autonomy, my social life expanding, my worldview becoming more nuanced, and my positive self-image not being able to keep up. There are so many more sins than I once thought! And so many people to please!
Years ago I experienced a creeping dread regarding my sadism. I came across a post about porn. OP said it was getting more sadistic. More objectifying. More sexist. I agreed and I realized that as a sadist I was benefiting and it sent me into a guilt spiral. I love suffering, but I don’t want to hurt people. Am I hurting people? Will I end up hurting people if I continue to consume this content? How do I atone for what I’ve done in the past? I experienced heightened anxiety and intense nightmares for weeks.
During this difficult time we watched The Last Unicorn. Spoilers: there is one unicorn left because the miserable King Haggard has driven all the other unicorns into the sea by his castle, because unicorns are all that makes him happy. I related to King Haggard and felt remorse for what I was; I’ve tried to cut out problematic content from my media diet but felt constrained and unsatisfied doing so, and trying to keep my daydreaming pure made me feel unlike myself, so I deduced I was broken: my happiness was an affront to good.
Eventually I reached suicidal unacceptance. It felt as though my world was ending and nothing would ever be alright. I felt wholly alone.
What brought me down was an encounter with a unicorn, who helped me feel like I was not alone. She made me feel loved, despite my misgivings with myself.
Soon I vowed to try once more to restrict and to atone for my sins. To try to be more than a King Haggard. I tried to keep this vow, I really did, but there was one problem.
I don’t need to be anyone else.
This development may seem sudden as written but it has been taking therapy, psychedelics, mindfulness, etc. to feel consistently. Beliefs aren’t binary; they grow stronger with practice. I’m still practicing this belief and will likely (hopefully) be practicing for the rest of my life.
All this time I’ve been curating myself for others. Trying to make myself less potentially harmful. Trying to make myself more appealing. Trying to seem more interesting. And for what? What progress have a really made in these endeavors and how much of that “progress” gets in the way of more worthwhile endeavors such as self-acceptance? I affect ourself more than any outsider and yet I harm ourself the most. I trust random nobodys more than ourself even though we know the most about ourself. I want to fit in so I try to please as many hypothetical outsiders as possible instead of accepting the community I have right now.
True growth cannot come from guilt or obligation. Guilt is shunning a part of yourself that exists whether you like it or not. If you shun a part of yourself, it will continue to exist, but you will have less awareness of and less communication with it.
I am proud to be a sadist. I am proud of my past. I am proud of my sins. I am proud of my fantasies. I am proud of my paraphilias. I am proud to be a pedophile. I am proud to be a zoophile. I am proud of my differences. I am proud that I don’t fit in. I am proud of fitting in sometimes. I am proud to realize things most wouldn’t dare realize. I am proud to have experiences most don’t have. I am proud of my secrets. I am proud there are parts of ourself outsiders can’t handle. I am proud of finding community anyway. I am proud of my compassion towards outsiders and ourself. I am proud of the pro, neutral, and anti parts of ourself. It feels hard because it is hard, but you are strong <3
The unicorn is still with me. Thanks unicorn.
How did King Haggard’s story end?
Properly, or, are you aiming for better than he got?
Note I use “the outside” to refer to the world outside our plural system and “outsiders” to refer to people who are not members of our system.
After the last unicorn freed the others, the stampede caused King Haggard’s castle to crumble with him in it.
For better or worse, reality is not a fairy tale. In reality, our mind consists of both the indulgent King Haggards and the fearful unicorns. King Haggards cannot die, but also, unicorns will not hide under the sea forever. And the unicorns of the outside I fear harming don’t benefit from our suffering and will overwhelmingly not notice our death. I affect ourself more than anyone else, so it follows I should care for my Haggards and unicorns first, before concerning myself with outsiders of the nonexistent past or the nonexistent future.
Caring for my Haggards means accepting when I desensitize myself with problematic fantasies or media. It means accepting how I treat horrific fantasizes as real. It means accepting when we system members harm each other. When I harm them. When I ignore their boundaries. Accepting my unicorns means accepting my fear that my thoughts will snowball into actions. My guilt over harming others. My worry that I am harming myself. It’s difficult for us. It really is. I’ve tried to make this comment sound more optimistic but now, unlike in the OP, I’m leaning more fearful unicorn than indulgent Haggard. We at least partially believe that it is possible for any thought to snowball into pattern then belief then action, and that belief is truly overwhelming when it flares up.
Thanks for the reply <3