Posting this here because I’m unsure of where else to post something like this.
Over two years ago at this point I mutually ended a nearly year long relationship with someone I was still in love with. We were graduating high school and while still going to colleges in the same city, realized we were in over our heads and were in an unhealthy situation so we split it off. It destroyed me. It took me a year to get my shit together (I went on a minor drug-binge for about 3 months after and spent probably $6k from eating out and making sure I always had enough bud) but I eventually met my current partner. Things aren’t perfect in our relationship but I genuinely love her and we work to further strengthen our relationship. I don’t know that I see the rest of my life with her, but we’ve been together over a year now and I don’t have any intention of ending things anytime soon. We also live together so making it work is more of a necessity lol.
But I can’t get my ex out of my head. I’ve spent nearly every day for the last two years trying to let go of her but I don’t know why she keeps popping into my thoughts. I don’t love her, I don’t want to be with her, I don’t want her in my life. And ahe isn’t, but I’m still dealing with this. I do have a therapist who I’ve talked at length with about this but I don’t know, something about her just is stuck in my head. Maybe I preferred sex with her? I doubt it but she did kinda define what I consider my “type”, so maybe it’s just she’s more unromantically attractive to me? But it feels so much deeper than that. If it were those shallows reasons I feel like it would’ve been easier to debug and diagnose. She was my best friend. One day she was in my life, the next day not. It feels like a very specifically sized puzzle piece is missing and now there’s a small hole in the puzzle.
I don’t know, it’s kinda maddening. I don’t have most social media, so it’s easier to avoid her online and not think about her. But occasionally I find myself borderline stalking her, except it’s just me gathering random information I already know from OSINT tools with no intention or idea on how to utilize it (I’m well aware of how to use OSINT data, I mean in this specific situation). Part of it just feels like someone really important to me was rapidly removed from my life and I yearn to reconnect with them, but I guess I fear what such an endeavor might reawaken in me. I don’t love her, at least I don’t think I do. If I do it would be monumentally fucked up and I would feel like I’m emotionally cheating on my partner, who is somewhat aware of this issue but thinks I have it figured out (I thought I did too; I’m not knowingly lying to my partner). I don’t know, I sent them a proper goodbye email a few months ago and thought that was that but it’s clearly not. And I’ve put so much time and effort into trying to wrap it up for myself but now it feels like I’m just lost and stuck. Part of me just wants to reach out and ask if we can get a cup of coffee, but the other part of me recognizes the red flags in that immediately.
I just want to be done with this. I want my brain to get it through itself thar it’s over. It’s been over. There’s no changing the past, and if I could, I don’t think I would’ve reached the point where I am in life with my current opportunities if we had stayed together. Part of why we broke up was because as I was learning how to sell pot (which I was never very good at), I became a massive stoner (which I am very good at). She wasn’t anti-weed but didn’t appreciate it. When eventually saw that us growing apart was hurting each other and decided to leave things behind. Being young and dumb, I didn’t handle the breakup well. I didn’t do anything bad or harmful to her or anyone else, but it was obvious to both of us that I wasn’t okay afterwards. When I feel like I needed her the most, she was gone from my life. In doing so she broke our promise of prioritizing our friendship over the relationship. I don’t really know. I understand a lot of the reasons why I’m hurt and some are justified some are not. I understand the role I played and the responsibility I had in hoe things ended. I was not a great partner in a lot of instances, and neither was she. But part of me wonders if we had met now what it would be like. But I wouldn’t have been who I am now without her and without being without her. I’m just so fucking unsure man.
I’m sorry if this is really rambly. I expect that the majority of answers will probably be to just get over it already, which I’m trying to do. I just don’t feel like it’s the right thing to ask to see her again, because that feels like an eventual mistake rather than closure. Idk, tell me I’m an idiot or an asshole to my current partner or something. I just want to be done with dealing with the legacy of a long-dead relationship.
TL;DR: Mutually ended a significant relationship when I wasn’t ready. Been kinda fucked since. Want to not be fucked so I can be a better partner. I suck for this.
Edit: Thank you to everyone who has commented thus far. A lot of the discussion has been really helpful and I’ve got some new leads on how to debug this issue. I’m trying to respond to everyone and I can’t express how appreciative I am.
Lots to unpack here
Don’t do this you creep. Talk to her like a normal person or a friend (note - after you address the other points in this comment). I still talk with some of my exes, it’s chill. You’ll probably notice she’s changed and you don’t like her as much too.
Good on you for staying strong with that. It’s why you broke up originally and you fulfilled that. Good job.
Don’t do this. Despite so many people echoing the “pot isn’t bad for you narrative”, countless studies have directly showed it contributes to demotivation, and there’s plenty of correlations to things like increased anxiety and other mental illnesses
Half this post suggests you’re a weirdo dude. First stop being weird. Then you can be friends.
You’re gonna learn that just because you’re hurt, doesn’t mean it can easily be made right. What could she possibly do to unhurt you? Apologize and come back into your life? No, she’s not gonna do that. Especially after everything you wrote before this. Focus on things you can improve and write off your losses (i.e being hurt) instead of letting them drag you down.
You will never have it all. People in stable relationships develop a crushes on other people, they miss your exes, and they see easy opportunities to jump ship onto someone else for a whole host of benefits (experiences, sex, money, whatever). Some people do, some people don’t. But you will always leave something on the table.
If you’re an asshole to your current partner, you’re going to know that by the fact you’re not treating your current partner well. But it really sounds like a case of you need to fix yourself before worrying about others.
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Apologies if my comment came off as a little brutal, but I want to be clear and not simply comfort you on it. Fix yourself.
Phrases like this or “stop being a weirdo” are aggressive, insulting, and only work for you to feel superior to the OP.
Even something like “you have a lot of unsolved issues, you should see a therapist before attempting to befriend your ex”, though equally blunt, is less deliberately insulting.
Yea, they should be. There’s certain actions that are unacceptable, and some people need it a bit harder to comprehend the wake up call
So for instance if a neurodivergent or non-social person acts in a way you disapprove, it’s OK to bully them, according to you? Just so we’re clear.
Again. So we’re perfectly clear, as someone with family members on the spectrum, some people do better with different methods of delivery. Some people will struggle to understand the severity of their actions unless it is spelt out and clear.
I’m not saying go around and insult people. You can tell by my parent comment I have good intentions. But to help fix the situation, everyone is providing their opinion with different delivery formats. The goal is for one of multiple of them to strike through to OP so that OP can improve.
You’re not communicating well, then.
Actually, I can’t. I don’t know you. Your insulting and condescending tone in those parts contradicts your purported attempts to help.
There is no context whatsoever In which the very loaded and insulting word “weirdo” is acceptable. Just because you have trained your family members to accept insults as information, that doesn’t mean it’s OK.
For someone who jumped in defending potentially offended neurodivergent people, you seem quite close minded to the thought that they could be interpreting messages differently.
So for the third time, I will repeat myself: gentle round-about explanations delivered in a soft tone does not help deliver the message of bad behavior to many people. So please, if you want to help them instead of virtue signal, I recommend looking at it from their point of view, where despite “being told”, they don’t understand.
At the risk of veering further off topic, thank you for sticking to your wording and the reasoning behind it. It is nice to be nice, but people often need things more directly, and they can stand up for themselves if they believe they have been spoken to poorly online.
This thread has me thinking about my worst ex, who was actively stealing from everyone she could.
Many people tried to warn me that she was no good, but no one was direct about it. Many people even pretended to like her, only to later reveal that they had concerns but were being nice.
The worst was my own parents, who would go on and on vaguely, ask about things I now know she stole from them but saying shit like “well I don’t remember telling her she could borrow it, so could you please get it back the next time you see her?”. Then suddenly a few days later they’d bust out extreme shit out of left field, calling me brainwashed. I guess because I never read between the lines?
I’m neuroatypical. That’s far worse than calling me a weirdo.
It took almost five fucking years for someone to sit down and go “Here’s a list of what I believe she has stolen from me. I’ve starred things that I’ve seen her with or other people in our group have confirmed they have seen her in posession of.” It was a relatively new member of my then social circle who happens to be autistic.
Within three hours I had re-evaluated the whole history I had with my then gf. I threw up because my head was spinning and I was disgusted at how blind I had been.
Ultimately, I was young and in my first serious relationship. I don’t blame myself. I don’t blame those people for beating around the bush. But for fucks sake that mess could have been over a lot sooner had people not been so damn concerned about being nice.
I am in a constant state of working on myself. I agree that the stalking is weird and creepy and inexcusable. It usually doesn’t amount to much more than a google search and a search on whatever social media i have (which is not much), but it’s not right to invade her privacy as such. It is infrequent but I will make sure the frequency becomes nothing.
As for the pot comment, I understand the literature surrounding pot and am making an informed and conscious decision in partaking of it. I also enjoy being a stoner and am a fully functional adult while being one.
And yes I am aware it cannot easily be made right. I understand it is not going to be healed or fixed with a simple solution. It has just been a long journey already with slow progress. It can be difficult to see how far you’ve come when you’re in the thick of it.
You’ve gotten some really good advice in this thread, especially from the comment to which you are responding here: a bit blunt, but if you can accept it, excellent advice.
The only two things I would add is that
Self-medication, by any means, EXTENDS any grief process, whether it’s your lady, your job, your grandmother, or your dog that you lost. The grief (what I am calling what you are now experiencing, even if it doesn’t look like sadness anymore) is the natural process of breaking of those emotional bonds. As many and as deeply as you created them, grief is now the process of breaking them, separating you from the person/object you lost so you can live freely again. There is no rushing this, but you CAN slow it down, and self-medicating is one of those ways of dragging it out into infinity. The only way to get past grief is go through it, literally to feel those breaking emotions and in feeling them, to drain them of their power. That’s just how it works. Self-medication does not decrease those emotions, which for you are already intense because you had so much of your own identity as a person invested in who you were WITH her. Medicating simply postpones them and spreads them out over time. I’m not judging you for your choices, but you might well be moving through this much faster if you were not overall numbing your emotions daily with substance use.
When you give in to the darker desires to inform yourself of her current situations without her knowledge, consent, or participation, you are literally recreating/reinforcing the very same emotional bonds you’re trying so hard and so painfully to break. That’s why doing it feels good: it feels like righting a wrong, like regaining a lost balance, like taking some power back. But in reality it’s none of those things, and far worse for your inner situation than you might think. So stop. Every time you think about tracking her down, checking her social media, finding out what she’s up to, ask yourself how many more minutes, hours, weeks, or months you want to suffer what you’re already going through, because in doing this you are actively retying bonds your own grief is trying to free you from. Regardless of whether it’s right or wrong or creepy or not, stalking feeds the beast. Remember this when you go to do it again.
I would like to point out that while no form of stalking is acceptable and I will not be engaging with it further, the information I was finding wasn’t any new or revelatory; its the information I had forgotten over the years. But i agree, it’s harmful to my healing journey, invades her privacy, and is overall just a shitty thing to do.
As for the weed, it serves a very specific purpose in my life that changes from time to time and is consistently reevaluated. It’s not to numb me, and I do monitor my consumption for abnormal effects. I am a fully functional adult, with emotional awareness and regulation, while stoned.
You make some good points, but the fact you seem unable to do so without being condescending says a lot. You may have some work to do on yourself as well.
Fair