I don’t know how else to describe it, but all my male friends and family are very unemotional. Not in the sense that they don’t feel anything, but that they are a lot better at handling them and I feel like I’m not. I’ve tried meditation, therapy, healthy eating and a better sleep schedule but nothing works. I still anger and get upset at the smallest things and I feel like I’m less masculine than my friends. Im even known as the super emotional guy in the group and they often tease me about it, which makes things worse. My family constantly talk down to me as I don’t work out much and am very thin and short while my younger bros are jacked and tall. I don’t know what to do and really needed to get this off my chest. Thank you.
This is a great example of the negative effects on men from our current patriarchal system. Men are suppose to be these unfeeling machines who only have a single emotion anger. This anger is valuable since people can wield it for their own personal gain either politically or economically so they keep up these narratives. But all humans are complex with many different emotions and likely you are feeling some other emotions as anger since you don’t have good words to describe them. I have this same problem with labeling emotions so I have been trying to label emotions twice a day now. Set an alarm and look at feelings wheel to describe what you are feeling. It may seem dumb but its a skill that needs practice and if you are like me you never learned this as a kid.
Also try to consume some counterculture media to see other descriptions of masculinity or manhood. This could be feminist, queer, kink positive, high fantasy, scify, ttrpg etc. since they will allow show alternative values and cultural expectations. These will show that there are different ways to be a man and that our current system is just one possible example. Once you start seeing this you will notice many different positive male role models even in some more typical media. Queer Eye did a great episode at a fraternity who were feeling the same things as you.
This may seem like a lot of work but the payoffs within your own life will be worth it. Removing other peoples expectations of what you should be and living based on your own expectations is freeing. Any future partners will be appreciate, as well as your friends even if they don’t know it yet. You will be happier since you can focus on what makes you happy not what others want think will make you happy.
We don’t live in a patriarchal system.
To deny that a patriarchal system exists is naive. A one sentence response to a 3 paragraph comment is woefully weak and inadequate and does nothing but make it seem like you’re sticking your fingers in your ears and yelling “No! No! I’m not listening!”
I don’t have a problem with the rest of the comment, but the feminist terminology is grating.
‘Patriarchy’ is commonly defined as “a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it” (as per r/AskFeminists.) This is simply not the kind of society we live in. In Western countries at least (and most others as well) women are represented at all levels of government, and there are no systemic barriers to participation.
Ah ok we’re just getting hung up on semantics, not a huge deal. There are lots of theories and definitions, I didn’t subscribe to /r/Feminism on the other site and I don’t intend to here so I’m not sure what definition they endorsed. I’m referring to the existing systems that try to define masculinity as emotionless and stoic, sees their role as bread-winner and disciplinarian, obsessed with sex to the exclusion of everything else. The systems that say “boys don’t cry” and “man up” when things are hard, those are systems exist in the west and are absolutely part of “patriarchy” or whatever phrase we agree to use.
It’s not just semantics. Terms such as “patriarchy”, “toxic masculinity”, and “male privilege” habitually come with a load of negative messaging about what it means to be a man. That is toxic and we should avoid that.
I prefer terms such as “harmful gender expectations” as it puts the locus of the problem in society rather than the nature of men. Young men growing up deserve better than to be demonized for their gender and to be driven into the arms of toxic figures like Tate.
The patriarchy has never even existed in western society. The gendered problems you’re talking about were caused by the monarchy.
I just don’t have time to do a proper response right now. I think pretty much everything you’ve said is incredibly helpful and I can only speak for myself here, but I hope you stick around.
Except one thing. Blaming it all on the patriarchy. I’m pretty sure that it’s not your intent, but I think this is not a good thing to do, especially when speaking to a vulnerable man. I’m sure you have your definition of what the patriarchy is and that it clarifies why what you said is perfectly reasonable, but from the perspective of a vulnerable man hearing “patriarchy” this and “toxic masculinity” that (which to your credit, you didn’t say the latter), rationally or not leads many to start seeing masculinity itself as problematic. Which for vulnerable men, especially those with anxiety issues leads to self loathing and a lot worse problems down the road.
Frankly, I think, when trying to help vulnerable men, you should make sure to keep feminist ideology out of it. Otherwise you risk making things worse, not in a big hit, but in a death of a thousand cuts kind of way.
Does that make sense?
If you live in an oligarchy, does that make you an oligarch? Are you responsible for what the oligarchs do? If not, then why does the same not apply to patriarchy?
Contrary to your perspective here, I think it is useful to examine the social context, including how gender is systemically wielded to reinforce power structures that were designed to support the lifestyles of a select few. Living in a patriarchal society doesn’t mean you inherently benefit simply by being a man. It’s more about putting you into a box so you behave as expected and perform the roles pushed onto you. Having narrow definitions of masculinity or femininity and strictly defined gender roles (no crossing over!) are a big part of building and maintaining those boxes for everyone.
This post above particularly emphasized the value of breaking out of those expectations:
Removing other peoples expectations of what you should be and living based on your own expectations is freeing. […] You will be happier since you can focus on what makes you happy not what others want think will make you happy.
power structures that were designed to support the lifestyles of a select few
Exactly. It’s not men in general that have been in power, but a select few men and women. It is then incorrect to use the terms patriarchy and patriarchal systems (as commonly understood) to describe our society. Because there are plenty of men at the bottom too, even more so.
