Before I get into it, I apologise if this is the wrong instance for this post, I’m pretty new to Lemmy and I haven’t managed to find something for break-ups.
For a bit of context, we met in February of this year on OK Cupid. We hit it off, chatted for a few weeks, then met up for a date. Things have been lovely with her. She is smart, funny, caring, compassionate, gentle, pretty, coquette, witty, and the list can go on. Bottom line, I really liked this girl and it wasn’t at all hard to begin to fall in love with her right from the start.
I’m in my mid 30s, she’s in her late 20s (6 year gap between us), we’ve had some minor moments of misunderstanding, we discussed things calmly and openly each time and reached mutually beneficial solutions, it was great overall. The only major aspect was the fact that she’d been sexually assaulted by past boyfriends. But we discussed this relatively early on as well, I told her I have no problem with waiting and I meant it, and we agreed to take it slow and just get to know each other. We went on to date at least once a week ever since. I had an awesome time with her, every date was enjoyable and I could feel us becoming really comfortable around one another.
But something started feeling off 3 months in. The dates were still awesome, I still enjoyed spending my time with her, but I started feeling awkward when kissing her, like I didn’t really want to. I chalked it up to a rough patch in my own life which left me pretty tired and decided to try to fix things on my end before acting on it in the relationship. I tried to play it cool because I didn’t want to worry her. A couple of months passed, I started getting back on track with things, but the awkwardness persisted. It got worse when we decided to go on a vacation together later this year and I realised while buying the plane tickets a week ago that this may be when she’ll want to open up physically and that I feel the same kind of awkwardness. A couple of days ago I understood that I loved her deeply, but as a friend, a sister. I don’t understand why this shift happened, as I was attracted to her at the start. I thought it may have been because I imposed it upon myself to not give off sex vibes around her so that she won’t feel pressured in any way. I just wanted her to be able to feel safe and comfortable around me.
I realised it would be unfair to her as I would basically be stringing her along in the hopes that something may be reignited, and she deserves much better than that. We had the talk yesterday, she was a bit blindsided by it, even though she said she felt that things were turning platonic, too, but didn’t say anything, and that she had this happen before in past relationships, but was as sweet and kind about it as ever. My heart was breaking as I was breaking hers. We both cried a lot, she asked me if I was sure just once, I told her yes, hugged her tightly, and left.
I feel like a monster. I feel that I’ve messed up both a great relationship and a wonderful person. I can’t even express the remorse I feel about hurting her, I haven’t stopped crying since. I am so sorry I hurt her, but I really don’t know what else I could have done.
Is there anything I should or could have done differently? Is there anything I could do to make it better now? In the past, every breakup came with a solid reason, like abuse, major lifestyle differences, things like that. But this time it was just breaking a wonderful person’s heart because things died down in me for whatever reason. I hate myself because of this…
Thank you! There really were no reasons I could point to as the cause for this, we got along really well and the relationship was healthy as far as I could see and experience it. I’m not even entirely sure when the shift started happening. All I know is that one day it started feeling like I was kissing my sister. I didn’t tell her this specifically, though.
Oh, no, there is no intent from my end to pursue a friendship with her unless she is absolutely sure it won’t mess her up even more. That’s why I only told her that I’ll always be open to her, but that she should give herself as much time as she needs. I didn’t specifically mention a friendship at all. I’ve been on the other end and I do not want to be one to encourage this kind of slow and sickly grind. I genuinely do love her a lot and I want to do absolutely anything I can do to minimise her pain.
Hmmh. There is a line somewhere between ghosting someone after a breakup and having unhealthy contact. Or doing silly things like a on/off relationship. It’s certainly not easy. And I don’t think there is a rule that applies to all people. It has to be judged on a case by case basis.
I’m really not an expert on these kinds of things. My observation is, people usually talk to close friends after a breakup and that helps to cope. At least a bit. If she has some best friend, maybe talking to them is a way to process things. Get some reassurance and not feel alone with that feeling. Usually people can relate because it happens to most of us. Breakups really suck big time. But there is no proper alternative to moving on (after some time). And as the ex partner you’re usually not the correct person to help them move on, because you’re too involved and part of the issue.
Another idea for you would be to talk to her best friend (if she has one)? You can ask them how things are going. And ask them if there’s anything you can do. If they talked, the friend should know what kind of distance is right for her and if she expressed some request that you can fulfill. In the end you sound like you value and respect her. And you’re willing to think it through and do the right thing. That’s a good start. It doesn’t guarantee anything, since you’re only one part in the puzzle. But I think that’s a good approach and way better than lots of breakups I’ve seen. But it’s just a difficult situation. It doesn’t make it better that you’re missing a tangible reason for why it doesn’t work… It’s easier if one person would be an asshole for example and you have a proper reason to split up. But feeling something (or not feeling something) is equally as valid. (And *why* you feel something is kind of secondary anyways. It helps to process things and get an answer. But ultimately if you can’t change the way you feel, the answer also doesn’t really change anything. And feelings don’t have to abide by logic or be consistent. Just make sure she knows she isn’t the cause. That’s an important thing to know. But you already said you did that.)
I haven’t had the chance to meet her friends so far, all of our dates were just between the two of us. She does have a lot of friends from what she’s told me, so I hope she’ll be able to find some comfort with them and with her family.
Right now, I wouldn’t dare try to contact her, I don’t want to make things any more painful or complicated than I already have. I’m keeping my door open for her, however, if she’ll ever feel that she can talk to me without it tearing her apart.
As for telling her that she had no fault in this, I did. Repeatedly, obsessively, almost. I got really emotional when seeing her so hurt. I kept saying it to her because, if nothing else, I wanted her to walk away with that knowledge for whatever it’s worth.