AITA for not kicking out my roommate just because my girlfriend thinks he might be trans?

Lemmit.Online bot@lemmit.online · 5 days ago

AITA for not kicking out my roommate just because my girlfriend thinks he might be trans?

Spacehooks@reddthat.com · 5 days ago

Lol so your roommate is likely a woman that now look like Henry Cavil! Well obviously you are banging him. That logic. Unless…OP wanted to bang Henry cavil???

Girl needed to chill. roommate is a dude. Let it be. If she was actually smart, she should have tried to encourage OP to move out or have her move in get Alex out of the way.

Spacehooks@reddthat.com · 5 days ago

Commenter: NTA OP. Is this the first time your ex GF has become inappropriately obsessed with someone else’s life that is none of her business? Has she ever expressed any sort of prejudice towards people of other demographics?

OOP: She always had a boundary that I couldn’t be friends with women or men who were attracted to men. I think she has it in her head that if Alex is a trans dude then that means he is suddenly a she which makes no sense to me. Has she ever showed prejudice? I’m not too sure. She refuses to discuss any political or social topics like that to anyone, even her own mom. She prides herself in being anti political and doesn’t watch news or anything involving that. If a YouTuber she likes beings up politics she would block and never watch that YouTuber again. I do think it is bordering in extreme because if the YouTuber is gay, trans, or mentions anything about social stuff she treats that as being political. There is a movie commentary YouTuber (who Alex actually introduced me to) called MistaGG. Once I was showing her a video on him reviewing a movie about La Llorona and MistaGG talked about being Hispanic and how he likes seeing Hispanic representation in movies, comparing it to seeing your favorite football team, and she said “shut that shit off” because it was too political to her. I think she views everything as political, even stuff I don’t really think is political.

Commenter: OP, how did you not see this side to her? I get that you are very young. But this is a woman who got with a minor as soon as it was legal (what would you/other people say if the genders were swapped?) and verbally and physically abused you, because that’s what she did. I’m glad this happened so you could finally get rid of her. I bet in a few years you will be shocked you took so much abuse before leaving.

Edit to add: I guess this comment came out wrong. I don’t actually think OP is to blame, that’s not what I wanted to convey. OP was definitely naive to thing this behaviour is out of character for EX but she is an abusive POS who likely groomed him.

OOP: This isn’t me justifying it, I’m just explaining my side here. Any part of me that thought it was weird when I was younger got dismissed by everyone else around me. My mom got with a guy twice her age when she was 16, had me, guy got arrested for something else, and raised me on her own. She started joking about me and my ex being a cute couple and getting married since we were kids. Even when I was 12 and 13 she made jokes about sneaking me into her prom. My ex’s mom also encouraged it, because her and my mom are best friends. I thought this was normal. I thought her losing her temper and raising hands was normal. I thought her insulting me “wasn’t her but the anger talking”. If you have everyone around you telling something is okay, even if it isn’t, it really does fuck with you. She is also literally the only woman I’ve been with, and I haven’t even been friends with a woman for a long time because that made her uncomfortable. I get I was dumb, but try to see my side here.

Edit (Same Day, Same Post)

Edit, to answer some questions:

Did you break up with her? Yes. During the text conversation we broke up. I always told her I had one rule, that I don’t do ultimatums. If she were to say “choose x or me” that I would leave. I put up with a lot of shit verbal and physical, but I don’t put up with that kind of bs.

Ages? I was 17 and she was 22/23 when we got together. It’s been a long time so I’d have to look back to make sure. But yeah, I was for sure 17. We got together the day I turned 17, our anniversary is my birthday. We couldn’t get together before then because of the age of consent in my state, which I get now is really fucked up. I don’t know if it helps, but we have known each other our entire lives. My mom is her mom’s best friend. When my mom worked, I would go over to Sarah’s mom’s house so I wasn’t alone. We started talking and flirting when I was about 15 or 16 but didn’t cross any physical lines until I turned 17 because I didn’t want her to get arrested. I get that sounds bad. I really do. But at the time I didn’t see it as bad. Just in case it is asked, our mom’s encouraged it.

Why would you want to be with someone like that? I don’t, I really don’t. I didn’t realize it was transphobia until some people here talked to me about it. I thought it was just her being jealous. But I get how fucked up it is now. Please understand I live in the Bible belt, I didn’t even know trans people existed until I was 16. My person thoughts is that I don’t see a problem with people being trans and transitioning, I think at the end of the day it isn’t my business.

Is Alex trans? I have no clue. He could be, but he could have also had breast cancer, gyno, heart, lung, or any kind of other surgery. I used a photo from Google/Reddit because this whole time I personally thought he had gyno or something. But it’s not my business.

Is Alex safe? I’ll talk to him when I get home and then talk to my landlord. I will change my gate code and also have her removed from the allowed guests list and also ask my landlord to not let her in personally. She hasn’t been too violent of a person in the past but I also didn’t know she was this insane in the past either.

Was there abuse? I feel like this has been kinda implied in some questions. I don’t know. Has she insulted me? Yes. Has she been physical? Yes. But nothing crazy. Slapping, pushing, shoving, but never anything like punching or drawing blood.

Why use CM if you’re American? I was born and raised American. However, I got a couple of friends who use metric from college, and after sharing a group chat with them for so long, the habit has stuck. If anyone cares, we’re in automotive engineering.

The photo? The photo is not actually Alex. I searched Google for gyno surgery photos and then found a reddit post talking about it. I used it as a reference for what I mean. Scarring under the chest and around the nipple area. I definitely wouldn’t actually post a photo of Alex here, censored or not. I’m sorry for confusion. Here is the source for full transparency: https://www.reddit.com/r/gynecomastia/comments/17e4ed7/examples_of_gyno_surgery_scars_from_plastic/

[editor’s note- OOP no longer has the photo in his post]

Why didn’t you ask Alex about his scars? I have a few reasons, I personally wouldn’t like it if someone asked me. Second, my mom has scars all around her body for different reasons and gets livid if you ask her about them. Third, probably the one that confuses people the most, I didn’t really care enough to ask. I was curious but not I just thought “huh” and then went on with my business.

Comments:

OOP responds to a longer comment:

OOP: “Do you think that a man slapping, pushing, shoving, but not punching or drawing blood from his girlfriend is ok? Would you consider doing this to your girlfriend or any future partner in the future? If you heard your female friend doing this to her boyfriend, or your male friend doing this to his girlfriend, would you be fine with it?” It’s less that I don’t think women can be abusers and more like I felt this was a normal way for someone to convey being upset, or what I am slowly realizing, I do think I deserved it. If any of my friends, male or female, told me their partner was hitting them I would tell them to leave and not put up with it. I think there is some party of me that believes that I did deserve it, and I recognize that isn’t healthy. So I am going to get help.

Commenter: the moms encouraged a 17 year old to date a 22 year old??? wtf is happening am i misunderstanding??

OOP: My mom is one of those people who only thinks it a problem if it’s an adult with someone under the age of 13 sexually (yeah, I had to specify sexually for a reason) My biological father got my mom pregnant with me when she was 15/16. He was more than double her age. I don’t know if that experience warped her perception of reality or what, she has been through a lot, and I recognize that, but fuck. Not to rant but she is the textbook definition of continuing the cycle.

Spacehooks@reddthat.com · 5 days ago

Small Update (Same Post): October 30, 2024 (Next Day)

I talked to Alex. I got advice saying to be upfront and tell him what’s up completely, hide the trans part, and that I just shouldn’t tell him.

I don’t know if this was the right thing but I just told him, because once I was face to face with him I couldn’t really help but do it.

To clarify, I did not ask him about his scars or mention that specifically. I said my ex girlfriend was under the impression he was a trans person, made sure to say I didn’t care if he was or wasn’t, and that I broke things off, changed the gate codes, put her on the do not let in list, all that drama. Before even saying anything, he asked if I was okay, like I said he is a chill dude. He also not-so-subtely asked the same questions that a lot of comments asked, essentially if I was in an abusive situation. I told him I don’t know but whatever kind of situation it was, it’s over. The thing that really kinda fucked with me is that he called me his best friend, I regret not saying we were close in other comments. I realize now we have different definitions of close because he is introverted and I’m not. We talked about irrelevant stuff for a while and then the question came up, “would you care if I was trans?” To summarize things, yes, Alex is “trans masc”. He had top surgery when he was 19 and has been on hormones since he was 18, he even has a tattoo with the date he started testosterone. While the idea that he could’ve been a dude with gyno, cancer, or something else is completely reasonable, it just happens that Alex is trans. And I don’t care about that, Alex is Alex.

I did show him the post and got permission to update things. I would not have otherwise. He is also roaming this post somewhere, but probably won’t comment.

Notes:

Alex is going to help me out with finding some low cost or pay scale therapy because he personally hasn’t heard good things about the college’s therapy services. Like everyone else has said, yes. It was abuse. I see that. I will also hold higher standards for myself in the future. Alex sent me the information for the therapist he sees and I’ll contact them in the morning.

The landlord knows there is a domestic incident and I trust him when it comes to making sure my ex doesn’t show up. The do not allow list was made in mind for this reason.

I am not ready to talk to my mom about this. But I hope with some therapy and time I will be. She knows something is going on, but she believes this is a break and not a break up.

Sorry if this sounds like rambling, it is. This has been a rough couple of weeks, my brain is fried and I’m tired. Keep in mind, I’m still a full time student during this. I also have to keep my grades up for my grants, scholarships, government aid, etc.

I do read all comments, even the not so good ones. I will try to respond more before I sleep tonight, but just know even if I don’t reply, I have read it. I appreciate all the advice, kicks in the rear, and the sympathy.

A side note, I have seen a lot of trans people comment on this post and I have had a few reach out to me in private. I am thankful for your comments as well, it has brought to my attention how tough things are out there because I honestly felt what I did was the bare minimum and not worthy of praise because it should just be expected. But I see that it is being praised for how low of a bar there is when it comes to human decency towards you, and I’m sorry for that and hope things get better.

Tldr: Girlfriend of five years wanted me to kick out my chill roommate of six months because he is trans, which apparently means I’ll sleep with him? Broke up with her, kept the roommate.

Some of OOP’s Comments:

Commenter: NTA. You have a good roommate. Trans or not, they are impossible to find. Your GF was the one w issues. Get a restraining order?

OOP: This morning I did respond to one of her messages with essentially and further communication will be used as evidence for a restraining order. The good thing she is on probation and one of the rules is that if she commits any crimes while on probation, it’ll probably be revoked. So if she messes up once then she won’t be my problem for a couple of years.

Probation:

she is on probation for DWI one of the rules of her probation is that she can’t violate the law. If she does then they that’s a violation and they may revoke her probation.

On why he posted here:

OOP: I originally asked this question on FB and was given a completely different answer, basically keeping the peace, happy wife happy life, see it from her point of view, etc.

Commenter: Why are you so familiar with gynecomastia?

OOP: I googled “chest scars surgery male” once and the first thing that came up was a website talking about “Do Men Have to Worry About Gynecomastia Scars?” This whole time I assumed Alex had that.

Commenter: Bro it legitimately sounds like you’d been railroaded into that one relationship for your entire life. The fact that you’re going to be able to establish any standards is going to be a big step up. Therapy is definitely going to be important for that, and it’s good you’re seeking it out already.

OOP: For real. The minute my pregnant mom found out I would be a boy she immediately “joked” to Sarah’s mom that this was perfect because then I could date Sarah and then our moms could be actual sisters or something. Couple’s Halloween costumes, my mom coming up with plans to sneak me into Sarah’s prom, it’s a good thing Sarah cant have kids because my mom wouldn’t stop about grandkid ideas until that was found out.

Spacehooks@reddthat.com · 5 days ago

Update (same post): October 31, 2024 (Next Day, 2 days from OG post)

OFFICIAL UPDATE:

I talked to the therapist Alex recommended, normally I would be on the wait list until January, but due to the situation the therapist referred me to one of his associates and I’ll be seen as early as next week. I also was recommended to attend to attend a domestic violence support group that gathers once a month, I was originally not going to go because the idea was uncomfortable as fuck, but Alex said he’ll go with me so at least I’ll know someone there and we can leave if it’s too weird for me.

My mom is aware of the breakup, she is not too happy. I did not mention the trans part, I said that Sarah was being controlling and I didn’t want to put up with it anymore. Got the usual, “that’s a normal part of any relationship” comments but I stood my ground. My mom seems to be under the same delusion as Sarah that this is a small argument or something and we will get back together. But that is absolutely no happening. I don’t really talk to Sarah’s mom, so I don’t know her thoughts on the matter.

The landlord is aware of the situation and will not let Sarah in, should she try to show up. If you don’t have the gate code, you have to go to the main office and the employee (landlord’s son) will buzz the person in if they are on your accepted people list or call the tenant and ask if they aren’t on the list. If the individual is on the do not let in list, especially if it involves a criminal matter, they will be asked to leave. If they don’t leave, then it becomes trespassing. I know this sounds like a lot, but the security is why a lot of people live here.

Notes after reading some comments:

I am sorry for trivializing my abuse, it still feels weird to say abuse, but I do know that it is abuse. Slapping, pushing, and shoving is physical abuse and if another person came up and told me their partner was doing that, I would call it abuse. It’s not that I don’t think women can be abusive, but as I said in one of the comments, I don’t view it as abuse when it’s towards me. This is probably due to being abused by my mom. Which I am going to get help for. (For reference when I mention my mom’s abuse, it’s why I’m low contact with her. The reason why I was extremely underweight as a kid is because she just straight up didn’t feed me a lot of the time. CPS got called a lot, but never did anything. They also didn’t take any claims by my teachers that I was being abused as creditable because there were no marks or bruises, which has warped my view on abuse.)

Going forward, if I date again, then I won’t put up with any physical or verbal abuse. A couple of comments helped by saying that if I was confused on if it was wrong, to think about if it was another person going through it. Which has been helpful in what I feel is right and wrong treatment towards me.

After a lot of talking, it turns out Alex and I have been friends this whole time but because I’ve never had an introvert friend before, I didn’t exactly realize. Alex says he didn’t want to annoy me by trying to chat with me all the time, which ironically is what I was feeling. Now we’re going to hang out more and he is trying to get me to join the D&D game he is in.

Thank you for reading my giant block of text, I’m on the app and I don’t exactly know how to format. I’m grateful for all the comments, regardless if they are good or bad. I do read all of them.

OOP’s Comment:

Telling mom about the abuse:

I agree with your comment, the unfortunate thing is that my mom is aware of her physical/verbal abuse and didn’t really do anything about it. She would make excuses for Sarah such as how Sarah just needs help,. she’s stressed, and that is isn’t abuse because Sarah didn’t leave marks or bruises directly. My mom is not happy about the breakup and is in the denial stage right now, but the roommate issue hasn’t been brought up, if it is brought up I am going to say Alex had heart surgery (which is the excuse Alex uses)

AITA for not kicking out my roommate just because my girlfriend thinks he might be trans?

AITA for not kicking out my roommate just because my girlfriend thinks he might be trans?

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