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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-11-07 12:20:47+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is/throwawayandpanic

My BF (M25) won’t ask for my hand, and my dad (M48) is staging a family boycott my wedding. Is my boyfriend being selfish?

TRIGGER WARNING: sexism, controlling behavior, emotional manipulation and emotional abuse,  religious abuse

Original Post  May 28, 2014

I’ve been with my boyfriend (M25) for three years.  We both just finished school, and are finally ready for marriage.  He proposed last week and I happily said yes.  I could not be happier.  I love him and he is going to be an awesome dad someday.  But my bf is very new school and my dad is kind of old school.

My dad was beyond mad that my boyfriend did not ask my dad for my hand before proposing. My dad said he was willing to hear my boyfriend’s apology if my boyfriend formally asks for my hand at a dinner that my dad said he will pay for at the restaurant of my boyfriend’s choosing.  My dad feels like he is being very accommodating.  He will bring my boyfriend’s favorite wine to celebrate.  I spoke to my boyfriend last night and he won’t budge.  He doesn’t believe in that tradition.

My boyfriend showed me an article online where a Pakistani woman was stoned to death outside a courthouse because she married a man against her family’s wishes.  This just happened.  My boyfriend who witnessed his father be abusive/possessive with his mom as a child has always felt strongly that women are not property.   He thinks the tradition of asking for her had is repulsive.  His point is that he’s met my whole family, and gotten to know them.  He says they have always known his intentions and he never made it secret that he was in love with me and wanted to marry me and have children.   He feels he was done enough to announce his intentions and all of them seemed to “approve” of him.  He says that at this point he only needs my approval to marry him and nobody else’s.

So yesterday my mom told me that my dad who is not even speaking to me because I won’t set my foot down with my boyfriend is calling the whole family and telling them to not attend my wedding.  My mom says that my boyfriend is the one treating me like property by not letting me have a say in his decision to not observe a tradition that my two older sisters’ husbands observed.

I told my mother that I understand where my boyfriend is coming from and that I have decided to do away with the tradition of him asking for my hand.  So my mother is obviously mad and said that I should be ready for serious consequences.  I asked her what and she would not say.  But from talking to my sister she said that they would black ball us from all family gatherings.  My two sister’s and my mom have told me my boyfriend is being selfish.  The wedding is set for August 9th.  I’m worried that nobody in my family will attend my wedding. 

EDIT:  I’m getting some comments about my boyfriend asking for my parents’ “blessing” instead of “permission,” or “hand.”  I just can’t see the difference.  There might be one but I don’t see it.  Is there a big difference?

tl;dr:  My boyfriend won’t ask my dad for my hand in marriage, and my parents is having my family boycott my wedding and threatening other “consequences.”

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

Thanks for the congrats and comment.  I was just thinking as I read some comments here.  One comment said that my parents should not have staged the boycott either way.  So maybe the boycott signals something more than just my father “wanting to be included in some way.” 

I don’t know, I’m now worried that the boycott and calling all my relatives signals more controlling issues that my dad has that I never noticed before.  My two older sisters had no problems with their wedding because they did everything the way my dad liked.  So, I’m scared now that maybe my boyfriend is right that it’s not just a tradition.

~

[deleted]

“My dad feels like he is being very accommodating.”

No, both he and your mother are being controlling. And they are attempting to make you choose between your fiance and them. Choose your fiance, otherwise you’re setting precedent for this type of behavior/interference for the rest of your marriage

OOP

This is what I’m afraid of. My fiance and I don’t practice Catholic religion like my family does. So I wonder what will happen when my kids aren’t baptized and all that

pastanazgul

You two need to have a discussion about how the children will be raised religion-wise now, before you have the child. Just advice from someone who learned the hard way.

OOP

We did.  We don’t want religion in our children’s lives.   We decided that education is going to be the focus, and they will make their own minds up about religion once they are educated adults.  I grew up Catholic but I don’t want that for my kids.  My husband grew up somewhat Christian and he he still believes in God but he doesn’t want religion to be a part of our family either.  We have talked this subject to death.  You’re right it’s very important.  I realize we might change our minds later, who knows. 

But my family doesn’t know about this.  I have a feeling after this boycott that my parents will stage another one when they find out we won’t be Catholic.

Update  June 24, 2016 (2 years later)

original post is here,

The wedding went on as planned.  My parents stuck to their guns and boycotted.  One of my two sisters attended and is now happily blacklisted from our family.  Nobody else from my entire family showed up including my two brothers.

The wedding was a little unconventional.  My sister walked my husband down the aisle and then his sister walked me down the aisle.  I wanted this because my SIL actually introduced us and helped me get my first date with him.  There was no questioned about who gives away the bride or even about objections.  It was normal other than that.  There has been no contact between me and my family, other than my one sister.  My mother has made it a point to send me a card every time that they have a family gathering for holidays or birthdays at their house to let me know that my father says I’m not invited.  I get one almost every month.  I don’t even read them anymore I just toss them.  I don’t why they keep sending them because I’ve made no effort to contact them and I live over three hours away so it’s not like I will run into them by accident.

The reason I came back to post this here is because some people here made a prediction that came true (that they would come crawling back when we had children).  I am now expecting our first child, a girl :).  She will be the first grandchild for my parents.  My parents found out about the pregnancy a few months ago through a family friend.   They didn’t waste anytime in making demands, not requests, demands.  My boyfriend and I are not religious but I had a Catholic upbringing.  I don’t practice at all by choice.  My mother called me back in April telling me that my father wanted our daughter’s middle name to be his mother’s first name.  I said no.  My father was listening in on speaker so I went ahead and told them that they were officially uninvited from all birthdays, graduations, and any other important dates in her life.  My father called me half an hour later crying and begging me to come stay with them for the birth so my mother could care for me.  I said no.

He also said that he had already made arrangements for his priest could baptize her at his church but that I needed to agree to naming her after his mother if I wanted this to happen.  He said he’d already planned a big celebration for the birth and the baptism that he was paying for.  I said no to all of it.  He went from meekly trying to sweet talk me to raising his voice at me and I hung up.

He called a couple of more times to apologize for losing his temper and again beg me to reconsider giving birth at a hospital near them so they could visit us.  He denied having any knowledge of my mother sending me cards to uninvite us to any family functions and even said that he specifically asked her to invite us but he was told I declined every time.   He lets my mom do the dirty work so he can later hide behind her and deny he had any knowledge.  He’s done this since I was a little girl.  He does this every time he wants to drop the hammer on somebody but be the good cop also. He’ll never change.  He denied having any knowledge of why anybody in the family missed my wedding.   I told him our daughter would not be baptized, or catholic at all (no offense to Catholics).  I told him he was too manipulative and controlling and I didn’t want my daughter exposed to that.  He’s too toxic and just venomous.

Coincidentally, the day and for several days after that phone call I got tons of calls and emails from my brothers, their wives, my sister, and all my aunts.  They all wanted …

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