At age 16, against my normal nature , I’ve asked out my then crush who was my schoolmate.
(In retrospect, it was only sexual attraction, cause her personality was abysmal…)
I say “ask out” but it was one of the childish
“wanna be my gf” sort of thing.
I didn’t have (nor do I have now) “game”.
My only valid pretense for hanging with her , and not actually planning a date, was studying together for tests.
Neverthelesss, the excitement and the rush after she showed interest in me was overwhelming , and I spiraled out of control.
I became clingy , needed and over the top in love.
It all came crashing down when I saw her avoiding me while looking afraid and creeped out.
That face is burned into my retina, and all I can think about when I even think about stepping into that arena again.
I’m 31 now, still painfully alone - but with the added bonus of feeling like expired milk and overrun with anxiety and depression.
I’m telling myself again and again that I’m doing the best with the cards I’ve been dealt with , and partnership or intimacy is just not one of those cards.
I try to keep busy and focus on work - because one moment of boredom sends me to a variety of really dark places.
I know that some day the pattern of eat-sleep-job-repeat won’t be enough, but I’m repressing that thought like hell right now.
Thank you guys for creating this sub BTW, much needed.
When I was 16, I wrote an entire fucking novel (literally) for a girl I had a crush on. I would write 5 pages or so a day and slip them into her locker. She was actually also a friend of mine and she thought it was weird but charming. Once I finished the book I didn’t tell her it was me until the last time we saw each other, on graduation day. So fucking cringe haha. She asked why I never said anything and that she would have gone out with me if I had asked. I didn’t know what to say and just said good luck in college and scampered off. My god. Looking back at that makes me turn red still. I still have that novel in a binder somewhere around here.
Not a therapist, but I feel like you’re beating yourself up for a completely normal experience with teenage romance. Hormones can be a dick and make you do stupid things. The important thing is that you recognized where you crossed the line.
How do you feel about your social life?
Just know that you are not alone.
You need to start looking towards the good things in your life. As a bridge, pick up a hobby to keep yourself occupied and to keep yourself going. Once you start to see the good in yourself and value yourself you’ll start to give off that energy. Keep going and you’ll find someone that values you, and that judgmental look burned into your retina will eventually be a thing of the past.
I understand that though, that fear that people think you’re creepy or unappealing. If it helps any, most of the time that isn’t the case, it’s just how you see yourself. I find that working out helps improve that internal image in myself, maybe it’ll do the same for you.
I hope that you gleam some useful information from this. 😅
