I’ve been on a slow but steady decline for the past several years. I don’t move at all, barely leaving my room let alone the house; I’ve taken to eating shit I order out instead of cooking meals myself; I don’t get involved with any local orgs besides sending dues every month; I haven’t read a book in months; I regularly fail to perform bare minimum hygiene. The only reason I’m able to keep alive at all is because I haven’t moved out of my parents’ house, burdening them with helping me. It would be understandable if I was living hand to mouth and had barely any free time, but I am one of the small percent of burgers who isn’t a month away from destitution and I have more than enough free time. Not to mention I receive no shortage of help.
Since I can’t blame my material circumstances, I can only conclude that I am this way because I always refuse to take personal responsibility. I know that changing myself so that I can be, at bare minimum, not a drain on society is going to take a lot of work, work that I always put off due to cowardice. Idealist as it is, I feel like I have some innate metaphysical trait that makes me this way, and the entirety of my failure to pick myself up is due to a moral failing on my part and nothing more.
How do I force myself to unfuck myself so that I can actually be useful for revolution instead of yet another useless first world lotus eater?
The first step in enacting change is actually WANTING it enough to make a plan to do it. I say this as an ex-heroin addict, ex-smoker, and someone who is just this year in my middle age, starting to exercise, eat right, and have lost 20 out of a needed 60 since just this past August.
Change is hard. Especially when you become complacent. But imagine your best self. Stop making excuses and start thinking of ways to do the thing. I never had rehab. I never had any nicotine patches, or gum. I never had a personal trainer. I made a plan and held myself accountable.
You at least recognize you need to change. You’re adult enough to figure out what you need to do to become your ideal. Now you have to plan how to get there and eliminate any obstacles. For me, I had to stop having junkie friends. I needed other hobbies to obsess over until the immediate physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms went away. It sucked. A LOT. I taught myself IT and Cybersecurity skills so I would transition my career away from healthcare, since that was not a good environment for me. But here I am, almost 14 years clean, no drugs, no smokes, I don’t smoke weed anymore either, I don’t even drink anything besides water.
I read, practice my skills. I stay away from harmful addictions and focus that drive on things that will improve my life.
I look at my life 20 years ago. Homeless, addict, unhealthy, abused by my closest family. Now I’m fairly well off, own a home, no debt, stable, clean, a family of my own. I know it’s cheesy to say “you can do anything if you put your mind to it”. I had every odd against me for the first half of my life. I got tired of commiting a slow suicide and I did what I had to do to fix it.