I typically don’t care about things like hairstyle, makeup or clothes. But my wife has started giving herself a buzz cut and I simply hate it. I told her and she grew it out for a while, but she said longer hair was making her depressed and it needed to be a buzz cut. She said it just looks like her when she sees it. Part of me thinks that’s gender euphoria and she’s just around the corner from realising that she’s trans. I would not be comfortable continuing the relationship in that case. (She has said she feels a-gender but not male).
I’ve tried to tolerate it, but I dislike looking at her now and it’s contributing to me being depressed now. I don’t want these feelings every time I look at my wife.
We’ve generally had a good relationship over about one and a half decades, with two young children. We’re also codependent and own a house together.
It would make things difficult if we separate. I really don’t want to separate just because of a haircut, but I’ve definitely been thinking about it. I just don’t know what to do.
Get a fucking grip maybe?
It’s hair.
It’s not just hair, it attraction in a marriage.
We’re talking about a major voluntary change to a person’s appearance made repeatedly despite their spouse’s objections. While the wife is absolutely free to do whatever, the lack of consideration speaks volumes.
Imagine if he shaved off his eyebrows off and his wife said he looked weird like that. He likes it, she hates it and finds it ugly. He absolutely, undeniably has the right to keep his eyebrows bare as a baby’s bottom.
In our hypothetical, him not trying to make a compromise (like trimming his eyebrows halfway or tweezing them) means that he’s totally OK with his spouse finding him repulsive and is not willing to budge an inch for her sake. He’s going to do what he wants, her feelings of attraction towards her spouse are simply unimportant to him.
Hearing it like that hits me pretty hard. I’ve been struggling with the idea that she seems to feel the haircut is more important than the relationship… But then I feel hypocritical because I guess I’m doing a similar thing on the other side.
I obviously don’t have any entitlement to control her hair, but I am surprised she hasn’t been willing to compromise at all. I feel like most people are happy to adjust their look to suit their partners preferences, including myself.
She was willing to compromise, she grew her hair out a bit. But then decided that after all she wants the buzz cut. Which could be for a variety of reasons, one of the major ones could be “my husband still doesn’t find me attractive with slightly grown out hair, so why bother, back to buzzcut”.
Well I actually told her her hair was looking good when she told me it was making her depressed and she was going to cut it again. It was probably around a long pixie cut. So, I don’t really see that as a compromise.
Why don’t you see it as a compromise? She grew out her hair a little bit for you. That’s the definition of a compromise.
Believe me, I’ve tried. I’m sure there’s plenty of people who would be fine with it or even like it, but I’m just not one of them. I’m also sure I’m not the only one who dislikes the look of a buzz cut on a woman. I’m having trouble maintaining a relationship with someone who has a look that I hate.
I would be fine if this was temporary but she’s made it clear she never wants to grow it out at all. Not even a pixie cut.
I’d be happy to hear advice that would help me ‘get a fucking grip’.
It’s pretty obviously not the haircut itself that’s the problem…if she went back to having long hair, would you think, “Great! I suddenly no longer have any concerns about my wife’s gender identity!” There’s something more going on there, whether it’s real or just in your head. Go to therapy. Ideally as a couple, but individually if you have to, to get to the bottom of that.
If I’m honest with myself it’s hard to pin-point the real source of my feelings. I guess it’s a mix of things. But, at the moment I do think the largest issue is that I don’t like the look. My concern about gender identity is one that comes up every now and again, mostly because she made a comment about how good that hairstyle made her feel which sounded like gender euphoria to me. She assures me that’s not it, so I think I would be OK if she was happy to grow her hair out.
I guess you’re still right about couple’s therapy. I did try to organise it at one point, but it got difficult. I’ll take it more seriously now.
What Volkditty said is the best answer here. I think it’s time to get professional help. The worst case it will help you with separating, but the outcomes could only improve from there.
Maybe but it seems to represent a bunch of buried concerns or insecurity.