WATCH IT

WATCH THE FOOTBALL

IT WILL NEVER BE DECIDED WHO HAS WON THE FOOTBALL

John Moncur walked past my mate’s kid saying he didn’t have time to sign an autograph, he had to get on the team bus, which he did and then sat there for 15 minutes doing nothing. He then got off the bus and walked past my mate and his kid again and ignored them.

I don’t know if this was before or after he became a born-again Christian.

Another friend’s kid spotted Ian Wright and Rio Ferdinand at West Ham in the stand and his kid asked them both for an autograph. Rio was more than happy to oblige and Ian Wright just smirked and blanked him. Rio was really embarrassed and had to persuade Wright to give the kid his autograph.

Rio Ferdinand = Top bloke

Ian Wright = bellend

Maybe their owners have faith in their investments and don’t treat the clubs like hotels on a Monopoly board.

When Liverpool score, jump salmon-like into the air, then make ‘wanker’ gestures at the Sheff. Utd fans. When you’re getting escorted out of the ground by the stewards and the Sheff. Utd fans are shouting obscenities, do it a few more times. Check YouTube when you get home to see if soneone filmed it.

If your choice of team hasn’t already been decided by fate or some family / place of birth connection, simply write down all the names of all the teams in the EFL /EPL on bits of paper (if you really want to be a football hipster, include the National League) take a pin, get a mate to blindfold you and go for it.

Being a football supporter is about being partisan. If a game’s on and it’s not my team, I’ll find a way to support one of the two teams. If Portsmouth are playing Bristol Rovers (for example) I’ll support Portsmouth 'cos it’s near where my mum lives. That’s how I do it.

Ebbsfleet Utd v Dartford Town

Proper naughty

Please stop saying “y’alls” This isn’t the deep South of the USA